Sweet Sixteen…

I have had the pleasure of knowing David Nicholson for several years now. In that time, we have shared many a cuppa and lots of conversations about our shared frustrations, hopes and fears on all sorts of things that impact the lives of autistic people in Scotland.

He is a great teacher, freely communicating his experiences, accepting of different perspectives, and has shown endless patience at what often feels like the glacial pace of societal change.

There have been many times when the personal cost to David has been apparent and he has articulated those feelings, not as an act of self-indulgence, but to enable others to know they are not alone and that setbacks are a part of all our lives.

As another great teacher, Peter Vermeulen says, and, apologise if I am paraphrasing a bit here, “Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to solve them.” I have seen David do just that on many occasions.

A well-worn phrase of my own is that people need people. Non autistic people need the insight from autistic people to grow understanding and empathy. I won’t presume to suggest what autistic people might need from those of us who are not. What I feel and what I hope is that mutual respect and allyship, will make for a better life for all.

Now, I leave you in the capable hands of David Nicholson; musician, campaigner and all round great human being.

David in his country attire with his fiddle

I am writing this blog whilst sitting in the National Portrait Gallery in Edinburgh. A place where I come from time to time to work, but to also reflect. As I approach the 16th anniversary of my autism diagnosis this month, I am allowing myself to sit and reflect on life since that moment in 2008 when I was formally diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum in Raigmore Hospital in Inverness. Whilst getting the diagnosis was a relief, it also meant that my life splintered into tiny pieces. It made me think about life before I was told I was autistic. It gave me a reason for why I struggled to make friends when I was a little boy, why I felt socially isolated at school and in the local community and why I was so quite as a young boy. That took a lot of time to process.

David as a child playing his fiddle

For the past 16 years my life has been about trying to put these pieces back together again, working out who I am and finding out more about how autism impacts upon me as an individual. It has been a real journey of discovery over that time. A journey full of highs and lows. Highs including graduating from Stirling University with a 2:1 BA Honours degree in Law and Politics, moving to London to work in Westminster, successfully auditioning for the Scottish Fiddle Orchestra, being accepted into Live Music Now Scotland and being able, at long last, to have the confidence to go to football games to watch my team play. However, with the highs come the lows and of which there have been many. I have battled with anxiety and low confidence. There’s been plenty of tears. There’s been moments when I have been unable to attend social events. I masked my true self in order to fit in with society and make friends. I made bad decisions and wrong choices, often impulsively. That meant ignoring my gut instinct. I have also come down hard on myself and often view myself as inadequate and undateable. All of these challenges have been exhausting but, as I approach my 35th birthday in September, they have all helped me to realise who I actually am. That begs the question of who my authentic self is? Can I now answer that after a long 16 years? I think that I can do that now.

I am proud to be autistic. I am someone who is a perfectionist, who is driven, who likes very high standards, who is intensely focused on what I love in life: that includes the family smallholding, the rural way of life, the countryside, traditional music, the sport of curling, politics, steam trains and so on. I am someone who likes routine, order, structure. I like tradition. I dislike too much confrontation. I don’t like too much loud noise. I like discipline. I can be quite serious, but on the other hand, when I feel comfortable, I can also have fun and socialise too. I can sometimes act impulsively. All of these make me who I am. Some of these can contradict one another and make me a complex individual, but I would not have it any other way.

I feel as though the weight is beginning to lift off my shoulders as I start to become my true authentic self. How does that feel? It feels brilliant. That is making me smile a bit more than what I used to do. Of course I still have days of self-doubt and moments of anxiety but, as my confidence to be my authentic self increases, I hope that that doubt will diminish over the coming months and years.

Here’s to being my autistic true self and to better and more positive times ahead. Sweet sixteen indeed!!!

David driving his tractor , enjoying the rural life.

David works freelance as a musician and speaker. I will happily connect you if you would like to include him in events, training or staff development.

https//www.theweeroom.co.uk